By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
