I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
