I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
