is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
