he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
