I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
