Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
