I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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