I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
