The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
