sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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