OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
it glows. i had to have it.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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