Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
