meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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