Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
