Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
