I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
