Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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