M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
