How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
