I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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