Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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