I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
