it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
