Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
