i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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