are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
