this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Randomize
