All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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