you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Randomize
