i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
