totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Randomize
