do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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