Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
