I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
