the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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