You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Houston, we have a blender
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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