While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of j�ger and an empty bed here Friday.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
