I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
