If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
