My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
