doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
