I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
