I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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