Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
