I can text with my tongue
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
