How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
