Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
