You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Need sex. Gaining weight.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
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