no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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