My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
