I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
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